Depression and anxiety suck. If you have been following this blog for awhile you would realize this is something I personally have been struggling with for years. Even today getting out of bed is a struggle. I'm sat at my laptop hoping the earth will suck me into the ground and I know there are days where you feel similar if not the same. Over this period I've found it hard to explain to people what kind of bullshit I have to put up with. And since music can alter moods and talk to or FOR you in my gloomy feelings I figure I would share my top tunes for coping, explaining or just to wallop in the darkness of these illnesses. I also sometimes feel my asperger's is linked to these some of these songs. This is a general list and not to be seen as a countdown or up as in what songs I like the most, what dates, etc.
1.Idina Menzel - Let It Go
Frozen OST
This track and it's popularity seems to have picked up some steam in the past few weeks. My feelings for why are: Didn't this get an Oscar nod? This soundtrack? No doubt it will be in the running for best animated film. And of course winter is coming to a close... *Dalek voice* THE SEASONS ARE REGENERATING!! THE SEASONS ARE REGENERATING!! The song itself reminds me of the days I liked musicals. Funnily enough the people that worked on this song have written for Avenue Q, The Book Of Mornon and an musical episode of South Park. I'm little surprised the team didn't work on Wicked as that's Miss Menzel's background but more on that later. The song is basically what it says on the tin. An young woman with a curse/gift becomes queen, the people find out her curse/gift, go ape shit and chase her out of town. During this song she comes to realize her gift is precious (mmmmmyyyyyyy precioussssss... Don't lie. You WERE thinking it) and decides to say 'fuck it. This is my gift and I'm going to celebrate it.' I know some of you will be upset I cursed but tough shit. I shoot from the hip and aim for the head. There's no filter between what I think, what I believe in and what I say. It's taken awhile to celebrate my curse/gift but it's here, it's NOT queer. DEAL WITH IT. This song and what I wrote I highly recommend to add to your life. Don't hide things people don't understand. If you are 'fat and fabulous (I personally fucking hate that word, fabulous. Feels like I've lost man points just saying it), Celebrate that. If you are transgender, celebrate that. If you are a man and think you look hot in emo/goth make up... Listen. Don't hate the player. Hate the game.
EMINEM - MONSTER (featuring Rihanna)
Marshall Matters LP 2
You are AWESOME. Anyone who disagrees is a dickhead. NOW MOVE. ON. Second time in 24 hours I've used that Top Boy reference and the second time I doubt anyone will get it. Eminem is my favourite artist of all time. Because even those he's never admitted to having a mental illness, he seems to always write songs like he GETS what people go through. I'm eager to read an official self written book of his life and struggles. This and 'Way I Am' perfectly shows off the point above in a pop style that crossed over *cheesy DJ voice* all the way to the number one spot here (The UK) and in the USA.
My father ringing me back to let me know the bank has the problem and whenever things are cool again, he can get the green light to help me with things. The help I was going to use to promote this site, buy stock and pay a bill. I may have to wait a week for it. I'm annoyed at myself for such a small overlook... Overlooked. I often get annoyed at the little fuck-ups I do. I believe I've posted about being alone in a theatre softy sobbing because of a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I and my cast couldn't perform a self written play I worked on for months. It's a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I moved from Manchester to Creswell to Worksop and then living at my mum's for a quarter of 2012, the worst year of my life. But fuck-ups are like money; collect loose change and after awhile, you have a fortune. Of sorts. Or debts.
When you are alone due to hurt it's hard to tell why you WANT to be alone. Is it the asperger's, depression, anxiety or/AND you just can't be arsed- Oh fuck me, it's raining. Brilliant. I was trying to push myself to cheer up and have a meal for tea... Or if the weather stops arrangements.
But with me once the rain pours onto my life, no matter if it's a quick shower or a monsoon I feel it like it's the end of the world.
Society doesn't want to talk about us and our problems. Because they are worst things happening in the world or/and they are having too good a time to care.
Both of those ideas are bollocks.
One; no one will NEVER suffer like YOU are suffering because it's simple; NO ONE CAN FEEL FOR YOU. LITERALLY.
Yes there are hungry children in the world. Yes they are people dying of horrible deceases. But that is THEIR pain. No one can feel that pain for them. It is personal to them. Like the homeless I feel there is so much we can do to help and they can do to heal.
Hungry children in poor countries walk for miles on end JUST to get to school because they hope one day they can get a education and feed themselves and the loved ones they know. The horrible deceases I don't want to get into as I don't know much about it however I do people fight those illnesses. They don't just keal over and die. Some of the homeless people I see near my home... Some I want to help by giving them some kind of job to have food, shelter and to kick drug habits where as other homeless people I just want to punch them in the goddamn mouths. I personally hate it when I see people just give up.
But that's what I do. I give up on somethings and I hate it. I hated 2012 so I cut myself. Often. I hurt myself, hated myself but hated going to the extremes of self harming more.
I give up trying to find a perfect partner. A wife. That's not me. I don't believe in marriage, happy families or spending my life with someone for the rest of both of ours.
So I'm quite surprised to see Seth Adam Smith's post on marriage go viral on social networks. More so as I'm sure I saw a similar post where some kind of royalty got married and decided he disliked it after a year. Down in the dumps, I skim read the article and now I'm pretty sure: the whole family thing? Been there, done that and as much as I like my daughter's mum's family getting married to her and having ANYONE not just her mum as a extra mum... No thank you.
So I decided to check out the rest of his blog and to be honest I skim read a lot of it but I got the feeling he's from Mars and I'm from Planet Cunt, as in I couldn't find an article to sit down and read from digital cover to cover.
But then I saw he attempted suicide.
I can't find the blog mentioned on his video about him telling everyone he is about to kill himself but the whole video report bought back some memories, symptoms I have similar to and thoughts as to wonder if I actually did successfully end my life if people would give a shit or no.
I'm sharing this video with you all to let you know we can all survive the shower or the monsoon. We just need the strength to do so.
Although is he Mormon? Lindsey Stirling is Mormon, isn't she?
And she's smokin' fucking HAWT.
So Seth gets bonus points for that. And being named after a Street Fighter 4 character.
Well, here we are again. The down from the high yesterday. Person now which I'll go in to deeper details in the other blog, I'm closing in on being self employed and living the non conformist life style. This of course comes with huge costs and did advantages as well as its strengths. It comes with the territory of non conformity. Being an polyamorous straight self employed asperger's syndrome black brony, I've writing my own destiny, for now. It may last for a few years, it may last three great of my life. One thing is for sure, the way of life society expects me to live, I'm done with. And I'm so far happy with my decision. Darren young, another young black man also happy with his decision to public announce he is gay has automatically made him my new hero. Allow me to repeat this: I PROUDLY SUPPORT GAY AND TRANSSEXUAL RIGHTS. ANY SEXUAL TERMS OR INSULTS WE BANTER OR USED AS EMPTY INSULTS NOT DIRECTLY AIMED O INSULT EITHER COMMUNITIES. The sudden rise of gay athletes is amazing and an sign of an bright future I am excited to be a part. However, I found this morning and over the past few weeks that even though as person I do accept others I do often find myself trapped in automatic closed minded-ness. L Let's talk in 'rasstling' kayabe sense. Darren Young before his historic announcement was an HEEL, an wrestling bad guy so to speak. He comes out and turns almost instantly face. Admittedly I have an issue with this. Although I'm not sure why. Two years ago CM PUNK then heel did an extremely honest shoot (monologue, if you will) about the state of the WWE and how it treats every other wrestler apart from its golden goose, former WWE champion, John Cena. CM Punk is quoted in saying he would like to believe 'the company would be better once (wwe chairman Vince McMann) is dead but then it be taken over by his stupid daughter and his son in law, (part time but once full time legend Triple H). He was automatically fired. Later we found out it was a 'work' (working of an angle. A part of the story telling. Normally for an wrestling feud) but the statement in my mind has always been clear: speak out against the system And the system will destroy you. Ask DMX or YouTube search his poem about 'The industry'. Also Google where DMX is now. What Darren young did was amazing, no doubt. But my fear is somewhere, someone at titan towers... Doesn't like it. Maybe they don't like it to the point where Darren disappears off our screens for awhile. The wrestling industry is notoriously traditional in it's way of thinking or life. Th chairman Vince is well known for being bias against smaller fatter wrestlers in favour of Greek mythology like bodies. Sexuality in the past has rarely been mentioned although gay wrestlers in the past have been afraid to voice their beliefs. Until now. Darren spoke about now being the right time. But why then off an airplane, no press conference and seemingly unscripted? An rebellious work? Doubtful. I personally can't help but feel Russia 2014 winter Olympics plays a roll. Darren is (I believe) the third sports athlete to come out this year. Jason Collins and Robbie Rogers are the others. There of course seems to be a lot of people not wanting the winter olympics to happen at all. Although I am not one of them. I personally would like to see this MOTIVATE the gay and trans athletes in to winning more and pushing themselves more to the limit than ever. I have been deeply sadden by the aggression Russia has shown to the GBLT community. The the hight of my sadness being Anton Krasovsky, an respected Russia News Anchor coming out LIVE on TV and intermediately being fired. An career, gone. Because of his right to be free. I, find myself running into bigots often. Getting hate mail about my views on gay and tran people, questioning my own sexuality. I tend to throw a small bit of resistance up, repeat that I am an straight male 'despite' being tran-friendly and then annoy the hate and block if need be. Even as a brony, I often run into hateful people.
You would think that would be the point. Everyone coming together to fight a good fight for an good cause. But no. It's not cool to talk about ponies. Ever. Yet it's fine to thumbs up the actions of the idiots on Geordie/Jersey Shores and other trash TV. God knows I try to be pony like but some people in the world make it extremely hard for me to stay so. Sadly I confess to counter trolling to trolling of my own. The trolls say one of my good friends have lips like 'an tranny' and how much they wanna fuck her (real smooth calling her an tranny, btw. Again, I support trans but I know what the implement was) I'd half say this is illness based but then again if I was ill I'd like to think I'd still do the same or intelligently counter. My fear with Darren Young is the WWE catapult him to heights he may not be able to cope with. With all due respect to Darren, I don't see him as an upper card. I'm not sure he does, either. Him being happy I took as an general comment and being apart of the Prime Time Players stable for over 3 years the evidence would suggest that. I hope WWE use Darren how he was treated before and not try to use his sexuality as an angle or an way to heighten his career if he is not comfortable in that situation. Because at the end of the day if we CANNOT accept bronies, the future for GLBT community, racial, religious and people afraid to be themselves are probably not safe either. It's an fucking shame we live in the 21st century and we still have to fight for our right to be free to express ourselves the way we wish to.
