The Man Who Attempted Suicide Shares Story Of Hope... And How I Relate To It

I sit in silence. Well, until my phone rang.

My father ringing me back to let me know the bank has the problem and whenever things are cool again, he can get the green light to help me with things. The help I was going to use to promote this site, buy stock and pay a bill. I may have to wait a week for it. I'm annoyed at myself for such a small overlook... Overlooked. I often get annoyed at the little fuck-ups I do. I believe I've posted about being alone in a theatre softy sobbing because of a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I and my cast couldn't perform a self written play I worked on for months. It's a catalogue of small fuck-ups which meant I moved from Manchester to Creswell to Worksop and then living at my mum's for a quarter of 2012, the worst year of my life. But fuck-ups are like money; collect loose change and after awhile, you have a fortune. Of sorts. Or debts. 

When you are alone due to hurt it's hard to tell why you WANT to be alone. Is it the asperger's, depression, anxiety or/AND you just can't be arsed- Oh fuck me, it's raining. Brilliant. I was trying to push myself to cheer up and have a meal for tea... Or if the weather stops arrangements.

But with me once the rain pours onto my life, no matter if it's a quick shower or a monsoon I feel it like it's the end of the world.

Society doesn't want to talk about us and our problems. Because they are worst things happening in the world or/and they are having too good a time to care.

Both of those ideas are bollocks.

One; no one will NEVER suffer like YOU are suffering because it's simple; NO ONE CAN FEEL FOR YOU. LITERALLY.

Yes there are hungry children in the world. Yes they are people dying of horrible deceases. But that is THEIR pain. No one can feel that pain for them. It is personal to them. Like the homeless I feel there is so much we can do to help and they can do to heal.

Hungry children in poor countries walk for miles on end JUST to get to school because they hope one day they can get a education and feed themselves and the loved ones they know. The horrible deceases I don't want to get into as I don't know much about it however I do people fight those illnesses. They don't just keal over and die. Some of the homeless people I see near my home... Some I want to help by giving them some kind of job to have food, shelter and to kick drug habits where as other homeless people I just want to punch them in the goddamn mouths. I personally hate it when I see people just give up.

But that's what I do. I give up on somethings and I hate it. I hated 2012 so I cut myself. Often. I hurt myself, hated myself but hated going to the extremes of self harming more.

I give up trying to find a perfect partner. A wife. That's not me. I don't believe in marriage, happy families or spending my life with someone for the rest of both of ours.

So I'm quite surprised to see Seth Adam Smith's post on marriage go viral on social networks. More so as I'm sure I saw a similar post where some kind of royalty got married and decided he disliked it after a year. Down in the dumps, I skim read the article and now I'm pretty sure: the whole family thing? Been there, done that and as much as I like my daughter's mum's family getting married to her and having ANYONE not just her mum as a extra mum... No thank you.

So I decided to check out the rest of his blog and to be honest I skim read a lot of it but I got the feeling he's from Mars and I'm from Planet Cunt, as in I couldn't find an article to sit down and read from digital cover to cover.

But then I saw he attempted suicide. 

I can't find the blog mentioned on his video about him telling everyone he is about to kill himself but the whole video report bought back some memories, symptoms I have similar to and thoughts as to wonder if I actually did successfully end my life if people would give a shit or no.

I'm sharing this video with you all to let you know we can all survive the shower or the monsoon. We just need the strength to do so.

Although is he Mormon? Lindsey Stirling is Mormon, isn't she?

And she's smokin' fucking HAWT.

 So Seth gets bonus points for that. And being named after a Street Fighter 4 character.

Check out his blog here! http://sethadamsmith.com 

Jesus Take The Wheel: Why Losing Everything Was A Blessing For An Depressed Male

I'm sat in Simple Bar in Northern Quarter eating sliders (I think that's what the Americans call it) and I'm fucking happy. A word I don't use often in this blog, nor it's predictor.

I've been writing blogs since training at drama school and normally writing isn't really meant to be feel good outlet. Normally, as I dip my burger into tomato sauce and forget my point briefly my writing has no direction other than I just hopes someone sends me a hug and loves me for who I am.
Of late, like last night Monday... I've been looking to take an new direction and style to make me as Jamie Foxx annoying put it 'current'. Personally I say I don't give a shit about being current but part of me wants to keep an audience rather than disappear into the abyss known as out of work actor.
So... The rebranding of this blog was needed for that and another reason... YOU.
You the reader clearly feel similar to how I feel. Alone. Uncared for by most, disrespected by others. Sometimes hoping you are the one who gets ran over, slips falls and then falls asleep in death. An freak that cannot be accepted for being different.
That's why this blog is called the black sheep brigade. It's no longer JUST about me, it's about us. As Tim Ferriss it, calling each other up NOT to be that 'fat guy in the BMW', rich in life but bored and depressed in character. Don't worry, Not going to get you to shout 'you are mad as hell and you're not going to take this anymore' but together we are going to add a majority accept we are an minority, TOGETHER. I love you for being different and I know you love me for giving less fucks than the average bear. So as my business plan is approved and I embark on this road of adventure I ask of you to believe in one thing when you read these blogs: In Fox... We trust.

As an arsenal fan I have not trusted the board or the manager. Even wanting both to leave. But after the marquee signing of midfield creative Ozil, spending nearly ten years paying for the debt by building up and selling or best players and currently being top of the premiership in an crucial year where (I believe) our biggest enemy's in Manchester United manager has retired and replaced now seems like the season to push for an higher glory. Maybe not the premiership but after waiting so long, I hope this is the year we do something we the fans will never forget. Something good for once.

Like these chips. Which are good but now cold due to my timing to work... Nah... This isn't work. Not in the normal sense. This is something else. Completely different from three years ago. I wish I could tell you it was three years to the day that I went to see which is now known to me as 'The Scottish Play' and my mum called me to tell me get stomach cancer is getting worse. As literary romantic as that sounds 1: I don't mark events like that, datewise and 2: I don't know what date that was anyway. When the emotional pain really kicked into 5th gear. I wonder if God had a plan then. I used to fancy Carrie Underwood until I found out she's an huge Christian. Of course being from an Christian family myself, nothing wrong with that but I still do the most sinful things that would make her blush, pray for me and then dump me. Put it this way: I don't believe in sex after marriage. Shit, nigga spent most my life from a single parent background, I don't believe in marriage, FULL STOP. Yeah death do us part is buyable but the whole love forever thing, naaaaah. During this time of 'undying love' for Underwood she released an single called 'Jesus Take The Wheel'. An number of other artists have released an single by the same name including one of my favourite rappers 'Noriega' going through his own rebranding of his own name. What he's changed it to, I've forgot. Jesus taking the wheel is a phrase that doesn't need much translation in meaning. I remember one pissed up new year's eve in Worksop when the London boys came to visit one of the mates (who had my best friend in the car with him) was telling us sat around pissed up and some drugged up out of our minds on cocaine how he and my mate were pissed up and drugged up out of their minds on cocaine were driving the car in an empty wet car park. Upon doing some kind of turn, he lost control of the car and him turning to my best mate taking his hands off the steering wheel and saying 'I've lost control'.
Sitting in an empty theatre having to cancel my directing debut and admitting I've lost control of most to all situations in my life was a bitter pill to swallow. I've always known since I started training that I am different, handsome and confident enough to be a game changer. But my problem was holding onto the steering wheel and trying to control the damage. Same thing after graduation and moving back to Worksop and trying to do work which was too high a jump at the time. Same thing I have been trying to do since moving back to Manchester and having to lose two father figures, my granddad and my step-dad in the space of two weeks.
I refused to let Jesus take the wheel. Even telling him to fuck off. Literally. After losing Fluttershy after her father was on his death bed, I felt cursed. This is the same year I lost 2 of my dads, that was the last straw. I spat my dummy out and declared myself atheist.
Fast forward to this morning, having an business plan in mind and an attack strategy in my mind, I parked my bike outside of my business meeting, got in the lift and surprised myself - I prayed. "Lord, what ever plan you have in store for me... I'll accept it. In Jesus name, amen." I finally think I've allowed Jesus to take the wheel. And so far the result is I am now officially self employed and I can sign off from Job Seekers from Thursday but I need to make deliveries and things to do so could use the money a-sap.

So I'm back as a Christian, letting Jesus take the wheel when things get out of my hands. I have my strength but God has vision of the future. If the store and blog fails, then it fails. But knowing I gave it my best shot, I could be able to accept that. Maybe rebrand.


So if you're down with God or not, I need you to trust me and the direction this blog and these companies (The Sindicate umbrella). And I'll trust you as much as I can. Trust. And whenever the other needs to take control of the BMW's steering, so be it.
But this is the start of an new journey. And I'm ready for it. Hope you are as well.