I haven't written in a month or two. Then again I don't think I've have got hard coming up to a month, either.
I think either my meds or depression are the reasons for both. Having no desire to mastabute. No desire to do things I enjoy equals no desire to write these blogs. Which sucks as I love writing. It's the artist in me that wants to create. Shit I'd create everyday if I could. I probably still do create everyday but... It's so hard. More so when you are easily destracted out of your vibe by a shit phone. My phone stopped playing music and now totally crashed ruining this introduction. So fuck it. I might as well ignore the smooth transition I planned in my mind (As it's been forgotten) and get into these blog posts.
I am an actor. But I'm so much more than that. I have evolved into something that could be game changing. As mentioned my problem is focus, concentration and my illness. My Aspeger's I feel actually helps with creating work that normal people can't really begin to imagine or put together. So it makes me so angry when people give up. Now I'm not a fan of the machine in the business... But I am an artist. I love my career. I watch, listen and read performing arts every day. In the hope I can find the answer to live the life I want but yet do the work I love. Some people have just got IT. And not only does it get them work but it gets them more work. One thing I learned at drama school is hard work generates more work. However for some people that's not enough to put up with the trolls and the politics. It's not a super bad ending but I read this, related to it and wish everyone in this story luck with where ever they go next. Cliiiiiiiiick.
Ooooh dear God. I hope this is the last ever time I post an flame war blog post. Due to the irony differences we all have about all issues I fucking well doubt it. Although I doubt I have to explain the reason why this blog is here and it's main protagonists. I was looking for people who may fit into what this blog is about: people who do not fit in with every day social. Yet. Some will do but I for one ain't that bothered. Anyway I came across this tweet by trans queer porn star Chelsea Poe:
and also a lot of trans models do Id with the t word and its not problematic at all for them. — Chelsea Poe (@ChelseaPoe666) June 17, 2014
I thought her avatar was hella cute so I followed. Scrolling though her tweets and checking out and checking out her Tumblr to try find more cute pictures of her I found kind of kick off that RuPaul started. What that was I don't really care. I'm watching the football and I don't watch to go down that rabbit hole. More so if it's about trans people and their rights. Why people can't be free to do what they want anyway is beyond me. Or maybe that is the problem. Too much freedom. See?! This is fucking why I didn't want to open this box!!
I have to be careful with this... I have an opinion on this... But in terms of gender roles, lesbians and/or transwomen I feel I'd be on egg shells whenever I mention where I stand. My humour is controversial and I just want everyone to be free to do what they want. But I'm sure others stand in the way (Of people doing what they want). Hell have no fury and all that.
So that's the whole war. I think this is... Stop it, Evan... I'm not posting my 2 pence on this! The war continues with Chelsea, her fans, Lily and her fans posting points for and against on tumblr but I'm bored of this. However it's interesting how some rules are argued for and against. Apparently more to that than this as Lily posts on her blog...
Update note. 23 of February, 2015. I continue to try and fight to a place I feel I deserve to be and Dean Fagan continues to be awesome. I'm trying to get him onto my podcast so here's hoping. I also comment on this year's Oscars. I feel I am no longer in love with the magic of the Hollywood machine. But I still believe in others trying to show their true colours and voice their voice in a tough place for individuality. Fight the good fight, people. Evan
I begin writing this 3rd of March, 2014.
This week has been big for my career path of performing arts. Just not only for the reasons you can think of.
Dean Anthony Fagan starts his journey as a soap star in coronation Street. Personally who he plays I don't know nor care. I'm not a fan of soap operas. I feel there are responsible for an generation of gossip drama queens hooked on reality TV and attempting to emulate such ridiculous behavior and become z list celebrities.
What I am... Is a admirer of Dean's work. I've known Dean for 6 years. It's an urban legend that 3 per cent of post grad performers 'don't make IT'. And I mean that I mean that in the sense of the child like idea that everyone in this career path wants to be rich and famous. Else what's the point? I know because not only have I been brain washed by the system of old farting dying dinosaurs but that's what outsiders think I want. Understand: I started as an actor for one reason. Revenge. Note my work has matured and Dean is one of the reasons why my work has.
I think to training at Salford Uni, I was never in a social circle but on the outskirts of them all. I can think of a short list of people I loved personally, people I love working with and an even shorter list of people who fit into both categories. Dean was one of them. Between us there's always been an professional mixture of respect, chemistry and genuine friendship. Even though I will not be watching I wish Dean the best of luck at Salford queys.
You DO NOT want to know what was in that drink.
And nor do I when I think about it.
Maybe one day Dean will be winning awards. Maybe I will. But I wouldn't go to the award ceremony. It's not my style. I'm the type of guy that you invite and I come and drink your booze and fuck your women. From what I remember Dean is a work horse. I've been out drinking getting wankered and remember him either working DJ or getting a early night because he's working on something the next day. Reminds me of Dame Helen Mirren. Who also no showed at the oscars. Where the fuck was I going with that point? I think I should just say this is my list of Black Sheep Oscar winners.
Now some of these are the films themselves, some are the characters. Some are the actors. I didn't want to work with too big a list. I didn't want to prolong your patience. But what I DID what you- NEED you to see is belief and passion in what you love will take you to some amazing places. And so will a good story and story tellers.
Let's begin.
Jennifer Lawerence - 2012 'Silver Linings Playbook'
Anxiety and Depression
Okay, before I get into talking about ANY OF THE FILMS OR ARTISTS I AM NOT EASILY IMPRESSED NOR SWAYED BY HOLLYWOOD MACHINE COCK SUCKERS. If a film or artist touches me, I'll admit. But most of the time... Not so much. Also I only watch the films where I can escape my own life.
I have to admit I saw the poster to this film and I didn't care much. And then I heard the main character Pat has depression... Or so I was told but I'm seeing it's bi-polar which of course is a form of depression... I thought, fuck it. I'll bare Bradley Cooper (Because everyone thinks he's good looking but I am jealous of him, the attention and hate him. He reminds me of that modded picture of a baby that looks like a troll. I'm more an Christian Bale kinda guy in terms of attention and acting) and check out the trailer. I have to say I was surprised how curious it got me about the story. Not the film. Although doing my research I could still turn and watch the film. But I feel I may like the book more.
On a side note from what I saw I feel the two are very much on the outskirts of 'normal people' and 'normal friendshipships'. From the clips I saw you could be forgiven to think that these two apart from being utterly fucked up and having a tough time in life have nothing in common. Also I hear the words 'crazy' and words like it thrown around alot. I'm guessing stressing the how we use words in normal conversation in seemingly modain situations. Like 'I'm going to eat you all up' or '[that person] will kill you if they find out', and so on.
Tiffany's condition however isn't named in the film. But she does mention being extremely depressed and also using sex to self med. Dr Steven Schlozman, an Harvard Pyschotherapist in his interview for Vulture goes into better details better than I can. Told y'all niggas; I ain't no shrink, yo. I almost had to google that word to check how it's spelled.
"It's hard not to see that character and wonder a little about borderline personality disorder for her.
So she's had a significant response to a pretty awful trauma, the death of her husband. But she wasn't doing well even before then, because we know she said, "Look, I can barely take care of myself." And we don't know whether those medications she talked about being on actually predated or came after that trauma.
We can make the assumption that there's depression, because someone put her on Effexor, which is an antidepressant. But you can have both: You can have depression and borderline personality disorder.
I think her life's more complicated than she's leading on. So she's not out of the woods yet. I'd actually worry a little bit more about her than about him."
First EVER Gay US Politician to be elected to major office
I dunno if I've told you... But I LOVE my gay friends. All of LGBT community. Really I do.
They are the most honest, the most loving, supportive, kindest friends I know. Their honest frightens me a little due to my anxiety mixed with paranoia but that's just me. Why anyone would want to hurt anyone because of who they love makes me physically angry. 2014 and we STILL have gay pride marches. WHY?! Why do we need to march to be proud of who we are? The same reason I don't get Black History month. Don't get me wrong, I'm glad we have it however it's so terrible we still have people trying to shut out and restrict those who have the strength and pride to do something society is not used to. This blog in a way is me saluting you, my fellow black sheep. My fellow degenerates.
Again, I've not seen this film but the research I did made me smile from ear to ear. I know what it's like (not to the point where people threaten my life like they did with Harvey Milk) to be told to stand down from my beliefs... Waaaaaaaaaaay past before I told people I'm a brony. But Harvey Milk in my mind was the first white guy to do so under extreme prejudice. My first introduction to anarchy to the normal system was Malcolm X. Both were assassination before their time but their message forever lives in men and women like me. I wear those colours proudly.
Admittedly I'm going into this one a little blind.
Finding enough writing about this film is tough I think it's one of those you need to watch but personally it's not my type of film. So I think? I dunno.
I'm a slightly swayed thanks to Woody Allen in the chair... But I'm still working through episodes of Breaking Bad, 24 and Battlestar Galactica.
I don't think Maria's illness is discussed or the non-monogamous nature of the relationships the cast engage with each other.
Maria's 'best' bits. May not work in your country.
However I must say Cruz in that gun scene rings with me. Thinking you are going so crazy that you are a danger to yourself and others. Like your mind is going to explode and the only way to cure it is to end it all. I've been there. And sadly I may go there again in later life. I'm the type of person that believes mental illnesses such as depression and anxiety never leave your mind... They just change size within you during good times and bad.
Philip Seymour Hoffman
Struggled with drug addition
Arguably one of the greatest actors of our generation.
I almost feel like saying 'nuff said' but of course there's more. There's always more when you are fighting personal demons in your own life.
"In a 2006 interview with 60 Minutes, Hoffman revealed that he suffered from drug and alcohol abuse during his time at New York University, saying that he had used "anything I could get my hands on. I liked it all."[139] Following his graduation in 1989, he entered a drug rehabilitation program at age 22, remaining sober for 23 years until relapsing with prescription medications in 2012. He began using heroin again in 2013, and admitted himself to drug rehabilitation for approximately 10 days in May of that year."
It seemed Philip battled these demons alone as his personal life was well kept secret from the public eye.
Here's one on my all time FAVOURITE PSH scenes.
This is Mission Impossible 3. For me he's just PERFECT in this scene. Playing the main villian in this film I'm sure made a lot of people raise eyebrows but... PSH? NAILED IT.
In 2005 PSH won an Oscar for Best Actor For Capote.
Hilary Swank - 'Boys Don't Cry'
Transgender
This film's end-game* is so fucking heart breaking it almost deduces me to tears EVERY TIME I see it. I don't understand how easy it is to hate rather than love. I'm forcing myself to remember the scene in order to r- No, fuck it. Just watch the goddamn film and prep to get your heart broken. One of the few times a scene so brutal makes me shudder.
If you don't know it's the true story of the life and times of Brandon Teena, a transgender male and his girlfriend. And his 'friends'.
In a side note during research I read that Kimberly Peirce was in the chair for the Carrie remake. Remembering this film I'm surprised it didn't do too well at the Box Office.
*End-Game is Evan-ish for when an film's main plot reaches an ultimatium. THIS IS NOT TO BE CONFUSED WITH THE END OF THE FILM.
HONORABLE MENTIONS
Shine - Geoffrey Rush (Mental breakdown)
Rain Man - Dustin Hoffman (Autistic)
You know what I love about my career? I can be me times ten.
I can be anyone a piece of text/director/casting staff tells me I am. And if they don't thanks to social media video networks I still can create my own work and put it on a platform where people are willing to invest time and sometimes money to see my work and views. For me, effort, hard work and the COURAGE to work in performing arts is needed to survive. The WORST you can do is go through the motions of the emotions which is needed. As far as I can tell you, Dean has all three. That's why that son of a bitch better buy me a mother fucking drink for being all up on his dick mentioning him in this post. Yo.
Mine and Dean's careers are not the only thing that needs courage. To be polyamours. To be a brony. To gay, bi, asexual. To be vegan, straight-edged. To be YOU takes courage. If you left your house today... Congratulation. You as YOU have shown the courage that these characters and actors have shown in their roles, work, lives. I have days where my sub wants to come round and I shit myself (not literally, you silly bitch) and either make excuses... Or I can tell her to come over for cuddles and giggity, giggity goo. That takes courage. On her part as well. She knows I'm poly depressed brony. She could run for miles. But she stays and chooses to love me. One person added me on Steam, saw I had Rainbow Dash as my avatar and not only deleted me but also blocked me.
The line from the new Robocop reboot is getting tran-scripted: after all these great films, characters and stories... Why are we STILL SO Different-fobic?
And I ask in this day and age, can being different... Living life in ways that others do not live... Is that so wrong? Must autistic children be threatened with violence because they scream in the streets "like retards"? Must transgender people be beaten up or worst, murdered?
Must Muslim people have their lives and ways of worship challenged because it causes public destress? Must [insert people's problems with breast feeding in public. Boobs. I like boobs] booby boobs?
Sadly until the fear of different goes away we all are stuck with this shit. Thankfully sometimes story telling and tellers give us a glimmer of hope of what is to time.
Russell Crowe said it best; [Us, the actors] are just gypsy moving from place to place telling our stories.
To those who wish to be inspired... I say... Dream on, black sheep. Dream on and work well and have courage in your hearts.
So a few weeks ago I spoke to one of my female modelling/cosplay actress friends. As respect for her she shall remain anon.
We were generally shooting the shit about things such as our struggles with being artists that happen to have mental illnesses. Then the conversation turned into this conversation about feminism, shaving and pop culture's obsession with perfection. I've asked her if this could be used to encourage and inspire other women and educate those against females who literally go through physical and mental pain just to be accepted by men and society.
BSB = Me
Anon = female friend
BSB: Who in society are you trying to impress? To be honest I like a woman with shaved legs but I wouldn't expect that everyday. Because yeah I like my girls feminine but I don't want her to feel she needs to impress me every day.
Anon: Some ladies see being with their partners as a excuse to not do anything pretty or feminine. It just upsets me so much than in order to feel sexy and "presentable" to a guy for six hours I wind up feeling uncomfortable for a fortnight. I came down to London to visit a bloke and shaved my legs on saturday morning. Last night he was having to raid his medicine cabinet for anaesthetic lotion because I'd scratched enough to draw blood. Im sure I COULD cover up instead but when im still getting to know someone I dont yet feel comfortable saying "by the way, im a hairy girl. If you don't like that either dont take my stockings off or just dont shag me". I know ultimately I probably will settle with a partner who loves me for my un pretty unfeminine self and subsequently I can indeed stop worrying but I still have needs in the meantime. And it hurts so much that I've got years of programming telling me im disgusting and ugly and need to go through this shit in order to feel worthy of affection.
BSB: Society telling me to do equally me being self employed. Nothing wrong thinking outside of the box. Anywhere else you don't shave?
Anon: Anywhere else I'm SUPPOSED to??
BSB: That doesn't mean the vagina. I'm guessing arm pits? The vagina isn't a big (no pun) deal for me because it reminds me of one of my first.
Anon: I have occasionally been asked to shave my bits but the pain after was vile. It felt like someone was sandpapering my clit for weeks after. Had to take antibiotics to fight infected sweat glands after a cyst developed. The fact that this is considered common practice or even "basic etiquette" makes me sick. Underarms again I only shave if I have to but this summer I tried to be brave and bare them in their natural state.
BSB: That's understandable. I remember you rt something about a woman shaving or lack of. This is something you seem passionate about.
Anon: It is. I was bullied for years for being "the hairy girl". I was bullied too. Also for being different.
BSB: I actually hate being misunderstood as often as I am. It's the reason I quit Facebook. Being different is always hard. Especially when conforming is presented as not only normal but also desireable.
Anon: All the popular media tells me not only that I SHOULD look a certain way but also that I shall FEEL better about myself if I do. Its a double edged sword. If I dont conform society tells me im a disgusting freak and if I DO my body tells me I'm a freak for not feeling all lovely and feminine for it the way all the other girls do. Women like me are castigated by everyone. We are unattractive, unhygenic even, politically dissident, lazy for not looking pretty for Teh Menz, rebellious or actively trying to repel men by being our naturally revolting selves. And if we point out how society tries to push us to conform then hordes of women crawl out of the woodwork to point out how they do it "for themselves" and "because they like it" and silence our experiences and suffering by telling us "nobody cares" what we do with our bodies.
My friend is touring as Amy Pond at Doctor Who Fan-cons.
By the way, I mentioned this to someone else this week. Makes me angry (I saw it in an advert for an modelling reality TV show) when photographers call models fatties. You hired them. You booked them to be beautiful. Any women can be beautiful. Any women.
